Resurrection Monday

Welcome back for week 2, Rose Enthusiasts! I have to admit, when they announced that Chris was going to be our hero this season, I was worried that he would be too nice to be entertaining. Not so! Our boy Chris is kind of a slut (judging from how many girls he kissed tonight), and that may not get him far with the Morality and/or Common Sense Police, but since when do we care about morality or common sense on this show? 

We pick up this week in the early morning hours after the first cocktail party (have we EVER seen a night one that lasted until the sun went up? Yikes. Longest night ever.) and Kimberly the Yoga teacher wants to make sure Chris is sure that he's just not that into her flexible self and begs him for another chance. Despite the fact that "no" usually means "NO!" in these situations, never underestimate the power of stilettos and a tight dress, because Kimberly is back in! For now, anyway. You'd think the girls would be disgusted, but honestly, they look too tired to care. 

A few short hours later, the girls and Chris are awake and semi-functional. Harrison, ever plucky, asks Chris, "Do you remember anything from last night?" to which Chris implies that he remembers little. That's probably better, Chris. Start fresh. Maybe everyone won't be drunken messes tonight. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Prince Farming is Here!

"I'm from Iowa!"

Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! We have returned from a much too long hiatus for yet another season of drama, tears, and discarded foliage. Welcome to another season of the best train-wreck on television, THE BACHELOR! It shouldn't amaze me that there is an apparent surplus of emotionally unstable women willing to exploit themselves on national television in pursuit of free alcohol love, but, either way, it entertains me, and I am satisfied. 

This season, we are re-introduced to Farmer/Hottie Chris Soules, who was the classiest dude on television when he got dumped pre-fantasy suite by Andi on The Bachelorette. Considering that Andi went on to "make love with" (eww) Normcore Crybaby Nick and not Chris, this can only say good things about him, right? 

Cutting it loose.

Well, well, Rose Enthusiasts, after a few weeks taking a break from the blog due to chaperoning junior high church events, I am back, and ready to maybe not recap the whole episode, because, let's be honest, not much happened, but give some highlights/thoughts of last night's Fantasy Suite shenanigans.

1) How many times did they have to say that they were in the Dominican Republic? I mean, really? The product placement has been completely OUT OF CONTROL this season, with the constant hotel name dropping, the reminders of where in the actual heck they are all the time, to having Andi spew clearly scripted facts about each place. I was growing weary of hearing "Dominican Republic" after about two minutes, and I've actually been there.

Nick's alter ego. 

2) Nick. Oh Lord. I don't even know where to start with this fool. First of all, since I haven't commented on the last few weeks, I can't even begin to figure out the appeal of this guy. He is SUCH a baby! Basically, he has been walking around like the hare before the tortoise kicked his cocky behind to the curb, and I do not find it appealing in the least. Not to mention, the way his family talked about his previous breakup last week and the way he has acted every time something doesn't go his way, I can totally see how he could be the type that would just be aggressively not okay after being dumped. Not to mention, his storybook he made for Andi last night was totally creepy. What was up with the bikini clad people making out on the bed? I mean, seriously? Vile! I do not want to be reminded that she is going to probably actually engage in coitus with these people she barely knows and on three consecutive nights. Yuck. The big conflict in the Nick narrative last night was whether or not he was going to tell Andi he loved her (not, as I would have suspected, whether or not he would have been visible from space under a black light considering all of the neon he was sporting), and he eventually did, using no fewer than 50 words. "I love what I know about you. Like, I love that you're a serious girl who doesn't take herself so seriously. I love that you know what you want but you can go with the flow... I love that you're very confident and strong but not afraid to be vulnerable. And [pause] I love you, Andi." Good heavens, Harry Burns. Get to the point! But Andi loves it, and off they go to the fantasy suite so that Nick can "talk her ear off." Sure. Whatever.

2) Josh. I don't know about any of you, but with Josh, I have the exact opposite problem Ih have with Nick. Whereas Nick can't seem to shut his face, I have yet to see Josh say anything of meaning whatsoever! The parts of their date we see don't involve much talking except that we do get to see Josh pick up some sort of liquid aphrodisiac (to help him not pull an Ed in the Fantasy Suite?), and he does pull her aside and tell her he loves her, which he "means for the first time ever" (a blow to all of Josh's previous paramours, no?), but basically with the same affect that I would use to describe my love for taking Flintstones vitamins. Andi must be with me a little bit on this, because she is still unsure about what's up when she and Josh have dinner, but Josh shrugs off her questions with prosaic answers and beautiful teeth.  Basically, her conflict is that she doesn't want to have traveled all of this way to end up with the same kind of brainless jock she has dated before. But who cares about that right? To the Fantasy Suite they go!

3) Chriiiiiiis. UGH. It was so sad! After spending the day horseback riding, Andi decides to cut Chris loose halfway through dinner. She tries to make it sound like it isn't because she can't see herself living in Iowa, but you can tell that that's totally part of it. But what was so great about it was the way Chris was a total class act about it. He was disappointed, but he didn't storm off, he didn't pout, he didn't badmouth her to the limo-cam. It was so refreshing! Good for you, Chris. I respect you, man.

Andi! Amahl the tentmaker called,
says he has your new dress ready! 

So, at the end, there is a completely unnecessary Rose Ceremony in which Andi gives the guys an opportunity to "reject the rose." Um. More than likely they just accepted your carnal rose, missy, so what makes you think they are going to reject your actual flower? But, I digress. Roses are accepted by both Nick and Josh, and we are off to the finale!

4). One last comment - WHO was making Andi's dresses this week? Every single thing she had on was an unflattering MESS. Stacy and Clinton need to pull her aside and teach her the importance of finding silhouettes to enhance her figure, not hide it behind billows of unnecessary fabric!

Well, I think that about covers it. Next week? The trash mouthing of Nick will commence with this installment of "Men Tell All!" Can't wait! Until then!

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Buonasera, Rose Enthusiasts! This week's episode of the Bachelorette is brought to you from Venice, Italy aka the "Most Romantic City in the World!™" I suppose that sending our merry crew to Venice makes sense, as it is known for throwing ragers for Carnival, and people wear masks so they can participate in debauchery and no one can know who they are. Much like everyone on this program. 

We open with the guys taking a nice boat ride around Venice, where Grumpy-Pants Nick confides to the camera that he hopes the week in Italy will be better than the week in France, where he "sucked on the last group date." Cody is hoping this is his week for a one-on-one since he's the only one left who hasn't had one. Well, Kewpie, I hope that you get a one-on-one, because if not, you're totally going home. 

"Where's my one-on-one??"
- Cody

After disembarking the boat, the guys meet up with Andi, who says - SURPRISE! - the first one-on-one date starts right now! Everyone is expecting Cody to be on this date since he hasn't had one, but today's one-on-one is going to be with .... Nick! Win one for Grumpy-Pants. Andi basically says she doesn't care if the guys aren't happy she picked Nick, but that she needs to make sure Nick isn't a huge jerkface before sending him on to next week. 

"Why wasn't I on this date?" - Bert

While Nick and Andi are walking around Venice, they are marveling about how there isn't just one romantic square or one romantic church or one romantic pigeon! The whole place is romantic! Andi is finding it difficult not to get swept up in the romance of Venice, but she must press on, because there is business that needs to be discussed with Nick about his behavior in the house, his behavior on the last group date, his interactions with the guys, etc. Detective Dorfman is on the case! Nick sort of apologizes for his cranky behavior last week, and says he's going to do better, but Andi (and me too) remains skeptical.

Later in the evening, Andi emerges from the shadows (what is this - Dick Tracy?) wearing a gold lamé evening gown. Nick is hoping that during dinner the opportunity presents itself to tell Andi that he's falling in love with her (too soon, buddy!). During dinner, Andi's all, "Don't think I brought you here because I like you, I brought you here because you were a rampant douche bag last week, and I need to figure this shiz out before you get to come with us next week!" Nick attempts to defend himself, saying that his feelings were "hurt" when Cody said that he was "overconfident" about his standing with Andi (um, no one made you openly declare yourself the front runner!), and when Andi straight up asks him if he thinks he's the front runner, he says, "I don't like that word..." (So clearly, you do.) Choosing his words very carefully, he tells Andi that he is "fortunate and grateful" to have the connection they share, and that he "cannot imagine" someone else having the same connection with her. Good save? Yup. "I can confidently say that I am definitely falling in love..." he whispers, and Andi is all over it. Rose, meet lapel. 

Group date card! If Cody is on the card, he is totally going to throw himself in front of a train. Going on this week's group date are: Josh, Marcus, JJ, Dylan, Brian, and Chris! Whew. Cody is going on a one-on-one. Crisis averted.

Before we get on with the group date, however, we check back in with Andi, who has received another note from her secret admirer! Who is it? We have no idea, but I imagine that the secret will be coming out, because today's group date involves a lie detector test! I can't believe there have been this many seasons of the show without having one, and I am pumped! The guys, however, look less than pleased about this development, and rightfully so. "How accurate are these things?" wonders Josh. Chris is also concerned because he has a secret he wants to tell Andi, but he didn't think it would come out during the lie detector test! Ooooh. Wonder what it is?

Most of the "confessions" during the lie detector test were pretty boring (Josh cheated on a test, Marcus likes brunettes, etc.) except that Dylan has slept with over 20 women. Um. Gross. He also doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Still not as gross as the first. The lie detector test proves to be too much for Dylan, who decides to bow out of the date early due to a "stomach issue" (fecal borne illness is the worst), or as it is more likely, so he doesn't have to be confronted by his outrageous amount of sexual conquests on national television.

Chris does not have any
troglodytic relatives. 

Chris's big secret is...he's Andi's secret admirer! Booooo. Boring! I was hoping that he had a troglodytic half-brother or something. Disappointment waits for no one, however, and the results of the test are in! According to our experts, three of the guys told zero lies, one told two lies, and two men lied THREE times. Yikes. But before we can let the drama really heat up by finding out who exactly lied about what and with whom, Andi decides to rip up the guys' results in the name of "authenticity" because "she trusts them." I'm with you, girl. Ignorance is bliss. But, for the record, Andi's test results showed that she doesn't believe all of the guys are there for the Right Reasons™, so at least she's not completely obtuse. 

At the cocktail party, Brian takes charge first, and administers a makeshift "lie detector" test with her hand on his heart (Cute? I can't decide). The only question that matters in his line of questioning is the last one, which was, "Do you want to make out?" "You're lying!" he giggles when she says no. So they make out, which is pretty much all we have seen these two do. 

When Marcus sits down with Andi, he tells her that he wanted to leave before he went on his one-on-one and finishes by telling Andi that he's in love with her. Again. Tone it down, Marcus! Josh continues to complain about the lie detector test during his one-on-one time, which I do NOT understand. Why exactly is he b****ing so much about having to -GASP- tell the truth? Obviously, he is hiding something (unless it's that he's a bit of a lummox, in which case, that's not a secret) Calm it down, man. The date rose goes to Chris, who finally cops to being the secret admirer. Andi loved it. 

After the rose is given out, JJ hops aboard the sour grapes train and whines about how he is "sick" of everyone else getting roses. Well, JJ, everyone else isn't wearing ridiculous pants and don't have faces like clowns. Of course they're getting roses. Chris is not going to let JJ ruin his moment of victory, and declares "Sit there and be sour grapes. I could give a f--- less, buddy... Your f---ing true colors will shine throughout this whole process, and people will see that." Daaaaaaaang. Who knew Chris could bust it out like that? Chris - 1 JJ - 0

Bye, Cody! 

It's time for Cody's date, and I'm sure it was no accident that he got put on this one, and not because of a good reason. Listen, we all know Cody is NOT going to win. So why keep him around? So that they could make his exit as awkward as possible.

But, because Cody has the apparent brain power of the doll he looks so much like (Ken or a Kewpie. Take your pick), he has no idea that he is going to be put up to something waaaaaaay outside his comfort zone: Writing. Everyone should know right there that this cannot be going anywhere good. The date is taking place at Club de Guilette, where real people send letters asking for love advice from the Shakespeare character. Let's pause for a moment of silence for anyone desperate enough to write a letter in earnest to such a place. *pause* Moving on. Andi and Cody write back to a fellow named "Jason," giving him sound advice like "be yourself" and such. Andi tries to muster enthusiasm, but it couldn't be more obvious that she is just not feeling Cody. 

Cody, on the other hand, has no idea. He remains enthusiastic throughout dinner (where he is wearing a deep V-neck shirt? Seriously? This is the Bachelorette, not some "Sun's Out, Guns Out" spring break program), even reading Andi a love letter professing his feelings for her. It's beyond uncomfortable. While he reads, Andi begins crying tears of "It's finally time to send someone home on a date" and weeps, "I can't keep you around until next week. It's not fair!" effectively breaking the bad news. The mystery luggage people come get Cody's luggage, and it's ciao to our personal trainer who never should have made it this far. I hope someone somewhere appreciates your strange tuft of hair and newly waxed chest, because you seem sort of nice, even if you're a little dim-witted. 

Nick takes the reins at the cocktail party, pulling Andi aside to immediately swap saliva. "That's a man!" Andi gushes to the camera, clearly into it. The rest of the guys hurry to catch up. Josh offers a forced apology for being so upset about the lie detector date, JJ aims straight for the make out, Brian reads a poem, Marcus drops the l-bomb again, Dylan continues to get away with being a man-whore with poop hands. 

When the roses are handed out, they are pinned on Dylan (ewww), Marcus, Josh, and Brian, leaving poor JJ alone and rose-less. Like I said, there was no way he was going to win, so this shouldn't be a surprise. Andi tells him that they are just "not on the same page" (read: the other guys are so much hotter than you, and you're kind of a goof), and JJ is off in the Limo of Shame. 

Long week, Rose Enthusiasts, but I am looking forward to this "journey" coming to a close here in the next few weeks. Until then, I'm going to figure out how to hitchhike back to Italy. Ciao! 

French [Milque]toast - Bachelorette Recap!

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Not going to lie, I totally enjoyed last week's Hillary-induced break from this craziness. But, alas, not all reprieves can last forever, and we have roses to hand out and hearts to break! So let's get to it.

This week's stop on the tour is Marseille, France, which, according to Andi is, "the perfect place to fall in love." Um, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but a vacant lot could be the perfect place to fall in love as long as you have enough ABC-purchased booze and some candles.

"I want my skirt back"
- A California Raisin 

First up, we have a pre-date interview with our fearless host, Chris Harrison, who comes right out and asks Andi if she is falling in love with any of the guys. Andi's reply? "Staaaahp!" Like he was supposed to ask her about her visit to the Suave Professionals Salon? Please. On a similar note, anyone seen this work of brilliance? Also, what in the actual heck was up with Andi's skirt? Not a good look for anybody.

 It's the usual schedule this week, two one-on-one dates and a group date. Of course, the first one-on-one is going to Josh, who I am surprised hadn't gotten a date sooner. Maybe there wasn't one mind-numbing enough to put him on yet? The date card arrives and it is all in French, which I can only assume means that, roughly translated, it says, "Who cares? Let's make out!" since that's what all of the dates have been devolving into. 

When this Boy Girl Meets World?

There are only a few things that are guaranteed to turn me into a puddle of crying mush, and they are, in no particular order:

1) Any and all of Stepmom, starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. 

2) The episode of Adventures in Odyssey when Eugene becomes a Christian (don't judge, it was really significant when I was 12). 

3) When Dobby dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Or really, just all of reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. 

4) The end of White Christmas. 

5) "For Good."

All of these things are very sad, but there has not been a moment in pop culture history that continues to KILL me as this does, every time I catch a dang rerun of it. 

Make Mine Music (Stop!) - Bachelorette Week 3!

Greetings Rose Enthusiasts! I have returned from my excursion on the East Coast visiting the prodigal John and just in time for the two-night Bachelorette extravaganza! 

Rather than take the time to recap all of last week (which I subjected my family to while on vacation - sorry not sorry, guys), I'll just highlight a couple of thoughts. 

1) What in the actual heck is Bachelor Gives Back actually giving back to? For all of the talk that the stripping was for charity, I would love to actually know that they raised money (what looked like a good $20) for an actual charity and not something like, I dunno, STD screenings for the contestants or penis pumps for the elderly. Or really, was it not enough just to have them stripping? Did they have to attach a moral to it? I like my reality shows completely devoid of life-checking moments, thank you very much. 

2) As much as it pains me not to have recapped Craig's drunken soujourn into the pool, I think my grandpa summed it up nicely when he said, "Craig has shown his true colors. If [Andi] gives him a rose, she's an a--hole." Hear, hear, Grandpa. And she didn't pick him, so I guess, for now, Andi gets a pass (at least in the 80+ Italian men demographic).